[overflow] Re: GHHS

[Lee Gold <leeway@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Michelle & Boyd Bottorff wrote:
> 
> Spenser Love wrote:
> > I completely reject being told, in the face of over-the-top
> > situations:
> >
> > A)  Keep a stiff upper lip.
> > B)  Don't react -- they just tease you because you give them such
> >     a good reaction, or
> > C)  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never
> >     hurt me.

The reaction to watch out for is letting the other people define your
self-image as being the horrible person they claim you are.  Don't
cooperate with them.  The biggest mistake I ever made was falling
in with the kids who claimed my touch would give people cooties
(back in a day when none of us knew what cooties were).  Beyond that,
I don't have easy answers.  

But it's probably worthwhile trying to form alliances with the
kids, few or many, who aren't participating in the teasing.  And
focusing on them, not on your enemies.  

Finding somewhere else to be and something else more important to do
is also good if it can be managed.  

And those pieces of advice above should be defined as ACTING as
if you don't care, not as really not caring, and framed as 
heroic -- like the prisoner being tortured by evil captors.
And stories like Diane Duane's SO YOU WANT TO BE A WIZARD
might be useful.  Then again, I think every parent should
at sit down and read Bradbury's "The Playground" with their
child (or to their child) and then ask, "Do you feel that
way about your playmates?  Do you feel that way about the
playground or school?"  And LISTEN! 

As an adult, when someone repeatedly hurts me, I've formed
the pattern of saying, "That hurt me.  Did you mean to hurt me
or was it an accident?"  Sometimes this lets me debug a 
friendship or acquaintance and return it to pleasant terms.
Sometimes it brings an open avowal that the other person 
is my enemy, which at least simplifies things.  I don't know
how well this tactic would work for children, but I suspect
that telling the teacher, "Johnny and Sally called me names and
said they did to hurt me because they hate and that they're 
going to keep doing it and you can't stop them" just might
motivate the teacher more than merely "Johnny and Sally called
me names."

> At school I assume it is rarely true, as totally different social
> dynamics apply.   When a group is abusing a person, they are responding
> to each other, and I assume it wouldn't matter what the victim does.

And when a group is doing it, the teacher should be able to notice it
-- and should make time to stop it.

> 2) my parents believed me when I told them things, and I was never put
> down or punished for informing them of what was going on.  They
> sypathized, in fact, but pointed out that they had no control over what
> other people said.

My parents' usual reaction was, "What did you do to make them do that?"
Nowadays we call this Blame the Victim and understand that it's wrong
which is wonderful progress.

--Lee Gold