[overflow] Re: GHHS

[Lee Gold <leeway@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Michelle & Boyd Bottorff wrote:
> 
> > I was listening to a local radio show where they were discussing an
> > "anti-bullying" program in the local schools.  A good idea, but they have
> > room to improve- their advice to kids being bullied was "make friends- you
> > won't be picked on if you are part of a group".  Gee, is that all you have
> > to do?
> 
> I dunno, it might well be the only thing you have to do.
> If making friends was easy for EVERYONE we might not have any bullies.
> 
> Er, how DO you go about making friends with people who are only
> interested in stuff you aren't interested in, though?

Maybe a list of suitable pastimews (the positive version of Berne's
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY).  
	Complaining about mutual annoyances:  the weather, the 
teacher, the textbooks
	Praising mutual pleasures:  flowers, blue sky, artwork,
a local winning sports team, fireworks
	Compliments:  the other person's hair, clothing , 

I've got fairly high standards for "friend," but this is the way
you stay on good terms with acquaintances.  And I can do it fairly
well with adults.  I couldn't do it well as a child.  I don't know
why really.  Partly it was because I didn't have glasses back then
and so couldn't recognize people well and so didn't know their
names, and they felt insulted by this.  
> 
> My mother says I make friends like a man, and that I'm supposed to be
> interested in the people themselves, and not care whether we have
> anything in common.  But I can't even conjure up an interest in the
> day-to-day trivia of my own family, let alone that of the people to whom
> I am only connect by merit of happening to own a house next to theirs.

The stereotypical man doesn't make friends.  He makes alliances with
people he's thrown together with, and drops them when he moves on
to another class or job or project.  This is obviously NOT true of
all men, and fans are, as always, rather different than non-fans.
> 
> My mother-in-law just recently scolded me, "and I found out from [person
> x who goes to out church] that Boyd (my husband) is president of the
> Sunday School" and I said "Er... you WANTED to know that?"  Nearly every
> active member in our church is given some kind of responsibility, I'm a
> nursery leader, for example, and unless someone becomes something really
> major, like a Bishop, I don't know why I need to know, thus it doesn't
> occur to me that they would want to know, so I don't tell them and they
> get offended.

Barry was surprised when I explained to him that his parents would be 
glad to hear each time he got a promotion or commendation at work.
I just read an article about a man with Asperger's (a form of 
autism that is often accompanied by high intelligence) who had to have
it explained to him that it would make his wife happy if he randomly
but frequently told her that she was pretty, announced that the
moon or flowers or blue sky was beautiful, and otherwise faked 
having an emotional life even though they both knew that he didn't.
> 
> >
> > It does argue that there is room to teach interpersonal skills in schools
> > however.   Some basic psych stuff is covered in social studies now.
> 
> And is knowlege of basic psych actually useful in making friends?

For those of us who have to approach things from first principles or
they don't make sense, yes, it probably is.  

My parents once left me with my grandparents for a month while they 
went on a cruise.  While they were away, I got too close to my
grandmother's hot stove after being warned to stay away, and she 
grabbed me away, spanked me, and told me, "I love you even when I
spank you," while I wailed.  When my parents returned, I told my
mother proudly, "Grandmother loves me even when she spanks me."
My mother, horrified, said, "I do too.  Don't you know that?"  And
I wailed, "But you never SAID so!" and we both cried.  Every kid
is different, and some of us have to have things spelled out.

I do wish people would stop yammering about "friends" though and 
start explaining about how to be on pleasant terms with casual
acquaintances which is what school kids need.

--Lee