[overflow] Re: GHHS

[mbottorff@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Michelle & Boyd Bottorff)]

> > I do pretty much expect them to put up with verbal abuse...
> > I think it's unnecessary, and uncalled for, and I jump on them
> > quick enough when they try it, but if they're ever going to be
> > able to participate comfortably on usenet, they're probably
> > going to need to start developping their flame proof skins...
> 
> Sorry, this set me off.

That's okay.  :)

> There are various strategies for coping with verbal abuse.
> 
> I completely reject being told, in the face of over-the-top
> situations:
> 
> A)  Keep a stiff upper lip.
> B)  Don't react -- they just tease you because you give them such
>     a good reaction, or
> C)  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never
>     hurt me.

I don't know about "over-the-top" but I've certainly used B...
*in situations where I thought it was true.*  I doubt it's always true,
but in between-sibling tiffs it certainly appears to be true a good
chunk of the time.

At school I assume it is rarely true, as totally different social
dynamics apply.   When a group is abusing a person, they are responding
to each other, and I assume it wouldn't matter what the victim does. 

> I have lots of anger left from being the continuous butt of jokes
> and general whipping boy in 5th and 6th grade, and I'm 45.

I was the but of jokes in every school I attended except for college.

I eventually developed an attitude of "I am so much better than you,
that I don't need to care what you say."  Whether this counts and a
scarring of my psyche, and whether I'm in danger of becoming a
sociopath, I leave it to you all to determine, but as you might have
noticed I do not apply it universally, only to people who display
re-occurant "unexceptable" behavior.


From your account, I would assume that the following differences between
your situation and my situation applied.

1) you mentioned "gang" persecution, and you mention going from
"wholesale" abuse to "retail" abuse.  It is entirely possible I have
only experienced "retail" leve abuse, although groups of friends were
certainly involved I would never have thought to call them a "gang."

2) my parents believed me when I told them things, and I was never put
down or punished for informing them of what was going on.  They
sypathized, in fact, but pointed out that they had no control over what
other people said.  

3) in elementary school I actually spent as much time chasing off my
little sister's abusers as in being abused myself.  This is somewhat
empowering, and my subsequent fearlessness in the face of challenges
probably helped both in how events effected my sense of self-worth, and
helped to keep abuse itself from getting out of hand.  


In High School I was getting teased much less, and even managed to gain
some respect and acceptance in the Drama department.  I did have someone
threaten to beat me up after school, and I essentially laughed in her
face as I told her where my bus-stop was, and then gleefully informed
her that she would have to wait for a long time there, because I had
catch-up work to do in the art room, and would be coming home very late.
She never showed up at the rendez-vous.


Although I would like to stop abuse altogether, my optimism doesn't
quite carry me to the point where I see that as even being possible, let
alone likely.  Avoidence is a perfectly valid coping technique IMHO, but
my own torments did not end when I switched schools, so I don't know
that I would ever count on that as a solution for my children, and as
I've said, I would be reluctant to remove my child from school entirely,
on the basis of verbal abuse alone.

<shrug>
I guess it would all depend on how the child in question was handling
it.

Michelle Bottorff
Lady Lavender

-- 
Family webpage:  http://home.sprintmail.com/~mbottorff/index.html
Lady Lavender's Filksongs: http://www.freemars.org/lavender/index.html
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