[critique] Re: new song

[Mark A Mandel <mam@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

On Thu, 13 Sep 2001, R. S. Silverman wrote:

#About Tuesday, of course.  I want it to be as good as possible; don't
#feel you have to be nice in your critique just because of the subject
#matter.

Oh, good, Rachel.

#copyright 2001 by Rachel S. Silverman
#
#(scans approximately to "Queen of the May" by Dandelion Wine if you repeat
#the refrain tune.)

I don't know the tune; maybe that answers some of my scansion issues.

#It was nineteen-fourteen when a shot set the scene
#That would lead Europe straight into war.
#Some angry young kook had shot the archduke
#And his Empire rose up with a roar.
#It didn't seem right to crush Serbia's fight
#Just freedom was all that they'd need...
#
#  That was the end of the old days.
#  Of wars of little renown.
#  We can't go back to the old days
#  From here things can only go down.

I'm taking this as the approx. model for the scansion.


#Mr. Wilson said no, the U.S. can't go!
#Why should Europe need us to butt in?
#Then "Lusitania" sank and out came the tanks

"Then" doesn't fit. Maybe:
	"Lusitania" sank, and then out came the tanks

#And our soldiers were soon quite dug in.

quite ==> well  ?

#  Yet vengefulness still seems the key.

This line feels weak, but I don't have a suggestion.

#
#We thought we'd end war but yet there was more
#In thirty-three the Nazis took power.
#The Fascists joined them, and so did Japan

"Then" would give a closer internal near-rhyme than "them". You
*might* want to use the Italian name, "Fascisti".

#And the Axis was soon in full flower.
#It seemed the Aryan race had a plan to displace

"It seemed the" doesn't fit. Why not just "The Aryan race", making
"Aryan" trisyllabic?

#  It seems that hate has us in thrall.

Another reason not to use "It seemed" in the verse.

#
#Despite Hitler's terrible plans Congress sat on its hands

Hmmm... If this scans without removing "terrible", I'm missing out
seriously by not knowing the tune.

#And refused to send troops to help out.
#It took a direct attack to make them fight back

"an attack"

#And they sent troops to fight "Japs" and "the Krauts."
#It was a war without face and all about race

Sugg: "It was war with no face, it was all about race"

#Once we'd finished with Two what more could we do
#We kept hating throughout the Cold War.
#With nuclear bombs the world couldn't be calm
#There was no closing of that stable door.

Cut "of", stress "that".

#So the UN was in charge and police actions at large

Too many syllables jammed in between the stresses; cut "so" and "and".

#At last we had peace, between the Big Ones at least

"between" ==> "for" ??

Jeez, gingi, it's good. Work on it.
Love, Mark