[critique] Re: Empty Skies

[Steve Macdonald <smac@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

On Thu, 13 Sep 2001, Seanan McGuire wrote:

> 
> > Empty Skies
> >   c2001 by Steve Macdonald
> >
> >  Many hearts have stopped this day
> >  Many souls weep in their loss
> 
> I know this is the right syllable count, but the stressor seems wrong here
> -- maybe add a neutral 'and' to the start of the second line?  'And many
> souls weep in their loss'?

With the melody I have, the stressor actually does come out right. The
culprit, once again; being my odd singing/scansion style.

> >  Many minds cry for Justice
> 
> Cry 'out' for Justice -- again, to get the stressors to line up?

OO!! :) Yes!

> >  Never mind the effort or the cost
> 
> I'd re-word to something like 'all heedless of effort or cost'.

This works, too; and is likely better. I'm considering. :)

> >  Scarred and wounded, eyes in the smoke
> 
> 'Scarred' is an odd scansion there -- maybe 'bleeding' or 'battered'?

However, with the melody I *do* have, either the first word (Scarred) or
third (wounded) needs to be a single syllable.

> >  Breathing dust that was the past
> >  The future not known, all clouded
> 
> 'Facing a future that's clouded'?

hmmm... good thought...

> >      Refrain
> >      Empty skies over America
> >      No white contrail marks the blue
> 
> MarkING, maybe?

I don't think so- I prefer 'marks the blue' to 'marking blue'.


> >  Innocents tied on demon-back
> >  Terror flew in airborne waves
> >  A single voice hails from hell-bound bolt
> 
> 'A single voice calls for solace...'?

But he didn't, really. OTOH, 'A single voice calls to solace'...
hm. (wah! but I *like* the imagery of 'hell-bound bolt')

> >  Five faced our strength and justice arm
> >  Five defenses strong and true
> >  Five sides no longer stand unmarked
> 
> I don't quite understand where this is going...?

The Pentagon.

> >  Another scar- wergild is due
> 
> Thanks for the lovely song, Steve,

And thank you, Seanan. *hug*

smac