[critique] Re: Empty Skies

[Seanan McGuire <delirium@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

> Empty Skies
>   c2001 by Steve Macdonald
>
>  Many hearts have stopped this day
>  Many souls weep in their loss

I know this is the right syllable count, but the stressor seems wrong here
-- maybe add a neutral 'and' to the start of the second line?  'And many
souls weep in their loss'?

>  Many minds cry for Justice

Cry 'out' for Justice -- again, to get the stressors to line up?

>  Never mind the effort or the cost

I'd re-word to something like 'all heedless of effort or cost'.

>  Scarred and wounded, eyes in the smoke

'Scarred' is an odd scansion there -- maybe 'bleeding' or 'battered'?

>  Breathing dust that was the past
>  The future not known, all clouded

'Facing a future that's clouded'?

>  Our direction and resolve are cast
>
>      Refrain
>      Empty skies over America
>      No white contrail marks the blue

MarkING, maybe?

>      The Towers lie broken in the dust
>      Their vigil fallen, yet true
>
>      Empty skies over America
>      Wings grounded, dust high and sere
>      Defend our soil, cry for comfort
>      Terror shall now know fear
>
>      Terror shall now know fear
>
>  Thunder boomed in cloudless sky
>  In the morning's early light
>  Death behind, or death below
>  Holding hands, leaping from the height
>
>  Innocents tied on demon-back
>  Terror flew in airborne waves
>  A single voice hails from hell-bound bolt

'A single voice calls for solace...'?

>  Cut short, sent to his grave
>
>  Refrain
>
>  Bridge
>    Count the pain in blood and loss
>    Count the hours 'til we get through
>    Balance between grief and holy rage
>    The thousands cry their due
>
>  Five faced our strength and justice arm
>  Five defenses strong and true
>  Five sides no longer stand unmarked

I don't quite understand where this is going...?

>  Another scar- wergild is due

Thanks for the lovely song, Steve,

Seanan.