[critique] Re: Filk: A Fish Out of Water

[Lee Gold <leeway@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

"Daniel R. Reitman" wrote:
> 
> This one is based on a comic strip called Safe Havens. 

I've never seen this.  And of course, as with any song to an
unheard tune, I can't tell how well the scansion works.

> A new girl came to school that year
> To everyone's surprise
> And some would say that they could see
> The ocean in her eyes
> By day she looked like all the rest
> With legs in pace of tail
		place
> But she slept in the aquarium
> From nose to fin in scales

Nitpicks:  She probably had more than one fin.  Unless
by fin, you mean tail, you've got her scaly only on her
upper body down to her arms and midback.  

More seriously, the "legs in place of tail" is giving it away
a bit too soon.  I think you'd do better to note the shapely
legs and hit the audience with the transformation a line later.

On later thought, I think "Like all the rest" is weak --
and should be something more like

	By day she looked like other girls
	Soft hair and legs in tights
	But she slept in the aquarium
	Covered with scales at night

> She fell in with the brainy clique
> The ones who would be fen
> In autumn all their hormones struck
	I'd prefer hearing what grade this was rather than making it
	sound like a seasonal rutting cycle
> And pairing did begin
> His feet were never on the ground
	We just changed to a nameless male which I find distracting.
	I'd prefer
		Her true love never touched the ground
> Hair waving in the breeze
> He caught her eye from upside down
> A swinging on trapeze
> 
> And as they passed along the halls
> They made so many stare
> Few would have matched a swimmer with
> A child of the air
	Does this scan or do you stretch "child" to two syllables?
	If the latter, I'd look for another word.
> He saved her from a frozen pond
> It wasn't quite a ploy
> But the mermaid in the middle school
> She loved the trapeze boy
	I dislike this use of disjunctive pronouns in English
	and wish you'd switch this to something more like
	standard English sentence flow.

--Lee Gold