[critique] New Song: How to Own Your Human

[the Ginger Cat <gingi@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Sheesh, you get a bunch of filkers together... This is a cooperative
effort between Nyani-Iisha Martin, Jacob Sommer, and Rachel
Silverman.  Jacob and Ny aren't on the critique list AFAIK, so I've cc'd
them above.

How to Own Your Human
copyright 2001 by Nyani-Iisha Martin, Jacob Sommer, Rachel Silverman
ttto "This is Not the Way to Get Laid" by Leslie Fish

Listen and I'll tell you, it's no cheat
If you want good food to eat
Don't assume you deserve those treats
This is not the way to get fed.

Just ignore those human calls
Pretend you're chasing jingle balls
Running around in stairs and halls
This is not the way to be cute.

  Don't play the cool sophisti-"cat"
  To show how bored you are.
  Washing your butt for all to see
  Just won't get you very far.

Don't skip washing, do it now
So that you'll be the cat's meow
You'll just have to do it anyhow
Or else you're on the way to a bath.  [hey, wait, there's WATER in there!]

And when a lap comes into view
Don't let instinct speak for you.
Sticking your butt up her nose won't do
This is not the way to get scritched.  [oh, YUCK!]

  Don't spill that pan of litter out
  Upon her new-washed floor.
  Getting gravel in her toes
  Just will cause a mighty roar!      [I know how to cook you, Cat!]

Just be cute when you begin
Headbutt the human with your chin.
Don't let them know where your tongue has been
This is not the way to be loved.

Don't presume they love your bod
Your purrs are not a quid pro "cod"
Not since Egypt have you been god
This is not the way to be served.

  They won't let you stay in the bed
  Just because you're you.
  No-one cares what you think or feel
  Unless they have good reason to...    [Hairballs!  Bad kitty!]

So stay well groomed and clean your paws
When the humans see you, obey their laws.
Your pets will be like Santa Claus
And wait upon you hand and foot.

    Stay friendly kitten, they'll all be smitten
    Yeah, that is the way to stay fed!

-- 
R. S. Silverman
http://www.gingicat.org
"It isn't my fault that I'm supposed to be living in a musical and got
stuck in a dramatic production." --Robert Cooke, on rec.music.filk