[critique] Re: REWRITING Make a Wish

[Lee Gold <leeway@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Sean Cleary wrote:
> 
> I think this one is better. I think that it has made a good grade.
> 
> And changed. The crew is giving their lives to save others? Good. And
> the longer they keep in control the better the chances that they will
> succeed? Good.
> 
> The last line can be changed to make a point, to make something strong,
> to echo this sacrifice, to wish that they will be successful in their
> final endeavor, to do anything you want. All those reps will make any
> change stronger. It is your chance to do this. You do not have to, but
> please consider this.
> 
>         It has to burn up, not hit ground.
>                 Wish that it won't die.
> 'Wish that it won't die' is needed here because of all those reps, but
> here it feels like the (lightning/lightning bug) kind of near miss. One
> is to wish that the contrail will not die and they will be successful,
> not the craft? Does this phrase really bring that quickly to mind?

By the next to the last verse, the audience should find that last line as puzzling since the ship is
clearly doomed to die -- until the last verse redefines
'die" as "fade from memory."

--Lee