[critique] Re: REWRITING Make a Wish

[Martin Julian DeMello <mdemello@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Also sprach Lee Gold...
> OK, here's one more verse and that's as long as I'm going to let it grow. 

Some thoughts...

> MAKE A WISH
> by Lee Gold
> 
> 
> A shooting star's a sight to see!  
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.   
> Make a wish you know can't be:    
> 	Wish that it won't die.      

Somehow, I don't like the chorus. 'Wish that it won't die' sounds awkward,
and the repetition doesn't help. Some suggestions: 'Will it not to die', but
that changes the meaning. 'Wish that it not die' would I suppose be the
minimal change, but I'd be hard pressed to defend it formally (it just
sounds righter to me). You could have something more direct like 'Please, oh
please don't die' (the repetition of 'please' substitutes for the repetition
of 'wish', and it sounds poignant right away - and why *shouldn't* a child
mourn the loss of a falling star?) but that won't work in subsequent verses.
It would work with small changes in each verse, though, like 'please - don't
let it die' for the star verse and 'no one there to die' in the meteor
verse. Yes, this makes the poem a lot blacker, but it works for me at least.


> The twinkling stars still hold their place,
> 	Slowly wheeling in the sky.
> Just one light that's lost its way:
> 	Wish that it won't die.
> 
> The twinkling stars are like our sun,
> 	Blazing gas-balls in the sky.
> This light's time will soon be done.
> 	Wish that it won't die.

A somewhat radical change, but I think this would work nicely with the first
line in an apostrophic voice, thus:

  Twinkle, twinkle little stars
    Blazing gas-balls in the sky
  Watch this light fall from afar
    Please - don't let it die

> A comet's glowing ice and gas.
> 	When it burns across the sky,
> But this light's not a comet's pass.
> 	Wish that it won't die.
> 
> A meteor's just melting stone
> 	When it burns across the sky.
> No one there to scream or moan.
> 	Wish that it won't die.

(No one there to die)

> Children, don't forget this night:
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.
> We saw a spaceship's final flight.
> 	Wish that it won't die.

Tense inconsistency between the second and third lines. (Yes, technically
the flight is ended but in that case you never saw the flight).

> The crew is steering spirals down.
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.
> It has to burn up, not hit ground.
> 	Wish that it won't die.
> 
> A shooting star's a sight to see:  
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.   
> Don't let it fade from memory:    

Hold it in your memory? Let it live in memory? Live on but in memory?

> 	Wish that it won't die.

Never let it die?

m.