[critique] Re: REWRITING Make a Wish

[Rob Wynne <doc@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

On Thu, 15 Feb 2001, Lee Gold wrote:

> OK, here's one more verse and that's as long as I'm going to let it grow. 
> 
> MAKE A WISH
> by Lee Gold
> 
> 
> Children, don't forget this night:
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.
> We saw a spaceship's final flight.
> 	Wish that it won't die.
> 
> The crew is steering spirals down.
> 	Watch it burn across the sky.
> It has to burn up, not hit ground.
> 	Wish that it won't die.
> 

I'd swap these two 'round.  1) it's better to not let the penny completely
drop until the last, and 2) it's more of an emotional punch to get final
flight just before the repeated first verse. (cf. "The Pilot's Eyes" by
Bill Sutton).

Rob

-- 
Rob Wynne / The Autographed Cat / doc@america.net
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