[critique] Re: REWRITING Make a Wish

[Sean Cleary <SCleary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

I think this one is better. I think that it has made a good grade.

And changed. The crew is giving their lives to save others? Good. And
the longer they keep in control the better the chances that they will
succeed? Good.

The last line can be changed to make a point, to make something strong,
to echo this sacrifice, to wish that they will be successful in their
final endeavor, to do anything you want. All those reps will make any
change stronger. It is your chance to do this. You do not have to, but
please consider this.

	It has to burn up, not hit ground.
		Wish that it won't die.
'Wish that it won't die' is needed here because of all those reps, but
here it feels like the (lightning/lightning bug) kind of near miss. One
is to wish that the contrail will not die and they will be successful,
not the craft? Does this phrase really bring that quickly to mind?

Sean

	-----Original Message-----
	From:	Lee Gold [SMTP:leeway@mediaone.net]
	Sent:	Thursday, February 15, 2001 14:45
	To:	critique
	Subject:	[critique] REWRITING Make a Wish 

	OK, here's one more verse and that's as long as I'm going to let
it grow. 

	MAKE A WISH
	by Lee Gold


	A shooting star's a sight to see!  
		Watch it burn across the sky.   
	Make a wish you know can't be:    
		Wish that it won't die.      

	The twinkling stars still hold their place,
		Slowly wheeling in the sky.
	Just one light that's lost its way:
		Wish that it won't die.

	The twinkling stars are like our sun,
		Blazing gas-balls in the sky.
	This light's time will soon be done.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A comet's glowing ice and gas.
		When it burns across the sky,
	But this light's not a comet's pass.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A meteor's just melting stone
		When it burns across the sky.
	No one there to scream or moan.
		Wish that it won't die.

	Children, don't forget this night:
		Watch it burn across the sky.
	We saw a spaceship's final flight.
		Wish that it won't die.

	The crew is steering spirals down.
		Watch it burn across the sky.
	It has to burn up, not hit ground.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A shooting star's a sight to see:  
		Watch it burn across the sky.   
	Don't let it fade from memory:    
		Wish that it won't die.