[critique] Re: REVISED SONG: Make a Wish - take two

[Sean Cleary <SCleary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Ok, I do feel as if one more verse would give someone more time to
connect.
I agree that not too many verses, not too explicit.
One suggestion: change "it" to "they" as you move from stone to ship's
crew. (speak of many stones?? And use They throughout??). Are you moving
from stone to ship to ship's crew? Or just stone to ship?
Sean


	-----Original Message-----
	From:	Lee Gold [SMTP:leeway@mediaone.net]
	Sent:	Thursday, February 15, 2001 12:47
	To:	critique@filknet.org
	Subject:	[critique] Re: REVISED SONG:  Make a Wish - take
two

	Sean Cleary wrote:
	> 
	> Well I can ask as though I am a child: Was there anyone on
that ship?
	> Did they get off? Will it be alright (favorite question of
child). If
	> everyone is OK, then why are you sad?

	There's a spaceship crew .
	Everyone dies.  
	And so, of course, does everyone it falls on if it doesn't
	burn fully up in the atmosphere on re-entry.  

	Belated realization:  That's why it needs a very long re-entry.
	> 
	> Or I can ask as an adult: how did you know that it was a
tragedy? Was it
	> like MIR, a long and good effort but now regretfully going to
be junked?
	> Should we be sad? The destruction of a 'noble' robot?

	For the last hour or so, people have been trying to save the
people 
	aboard the ship, there wasn't enough time or good enough
technology.  

	I'll see if I can find words to make all this a bit more
explicit, 
	but I want to hold it down to just one more verse if at all
possible.
	I am, however, reluctant to spell everything out in boring
detail.
	And even if I did, it wouldn't be enough for everyone.
	(I'm thinking of one filker I know who heard Simpson's "Ship of
	Stone" and didn't understand what it was about.)

	--Lee