[critique] Re: REVISED SONG: Make a Wish - take two

[Sean Cleary <SCleary@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Oh.

The rewrite does make that explicit, and IHMO, improves the song
somewhat. But we are not too closer to the desired stirring of the
emotions. 

I have deleted my advice, and it can be seen using a web page, but to
summarize from memory and expand (and thus post the nicer and better
expansion where there has been more time for thought, and is in response
to the try 2 anyway).

My musing: Most wish on stars not for the stars benefit, but for their
own. So it seems that you are playing with this piece of strangeness.
Nice. 

We need to connect with the space craft emotionally, most of the song
allows a distance: it is only this, but in the end it is that. Nice
surprise twist, but like many a twist, catches me a bit flat footed and
unconnected to the craft. Since one point of the song is this twist,
what can be done? 

Well I can ask as though I am a child: Was there anyone on that ship?
Did they get off? Will it be alright (favorite question of child). If
everyone is OK, then why are you sad?

Or I can ask as an adult: how did you know that it was a tragedy? Was it
like MIR, a long and good effort but now regretfully going to be junked?
Should we be sad? The destruction of a 'noble' robot?

Ok you talked about screams, so maybe someone was on that ship. But it
was in the negative and connected to the stone, and loosely connected to
the ship.

Sean


	-----Original Message-----
	From:	Lee Gold [SMTP:leeway@mediaone.net]
	Sent:	Thursday, February 15, 2001 08:47
	To:	critique
	Subject:	[critique] REVISED SONG:  Make a Wish - take two

	Sean, I thought it was obvious that people can talk about a
falling star or a shooting star, and
	that the listeners wouldn't feel talked down to when it was
contrasted with a real star.  And that
	finding out the falling star wasn't a meteor would be an
emotional moment.  

	I've tried rewriting the song to make the fact that the speaker
is an adult talking to hiser
	children a bit more explicit.  

	I confess to being so annoyed by your first message that I
deleted the rest of them without reading
	them.  If they still apply, feel free to resend them to me
separately.  Don't post them again on
	this mailing list.


	MAKE A WISH - take two
	by Lee Gold

	A shooting star's a sight to see!  
		Watch it burn across the sky.   
	Make a wish you know can't be:    
		Wish that it won't die.      

	The twinkling stars still hold their place,
		Slowly wheeling in the sky.
	Just one light that's lost its way:
		Wish that it won't die.

	The twinkling stars are like our sun,
		Blazing gas-balls in the sky.
	This light's time will soon be done.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A comet's glowing ice and gas.
		When it burns across the sky,
	But this light's not a comet's pass.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A meteor's just melting stone
		When it burns across the sky.
	No one there to scream or moan.
		Wish that it won't die.

	Children, don't forget this night:
		Watch it burn across the sky.
	We saw a spaceship's final flight.
		Wish that it won't die.

	A shooting star's a sight to see:  
		Watch it burn across the sky.   
	Make a wish you know can't be:    
		Wish that it won't die.