[critique] Re: Revised Song: In My Books

[Rob Wynne <doc@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

On Wed, 14 Feb 2001, Martin Julian DeMello wrote:

> Also sprach the Ginger Cat...
> > In My Books
> > (originally written last year sometime, revised today)
> > Based on "In My Life" by John Lennon & Paul McCartney
> 
> IMHO it's still uncomfortably close to the original, especially since you
> retain many of the rhyming words and entire constructions. 
> 
> > There are places I'll remember
> > All my life though some have changed.
> > Some will stay that way forever
> > Some will grow, and some will change.
> 
> I'd definitely change the rhyme here.
>

perhaps "Some will grow and be rearranged"?
 
> > All these places have their moments
> > With wonders and friends I still can recall,
> > Some are real and some are fiction
> > In my books, I've seen them all.
> 
> Here's where you can break away once and for all, noting that you *can*
> return to a book in a far more immediate sense than you can return to a
> memory. I'd drop the word 'recall', and rewrite the verse to reflect that
> change.
>

enthral is a good word here. if you can work it in somehow. (blanking on
how one might do that.
 
> > I have tessered with the witches,
> > I have been afraid of Aslan too,
> > I've followed Laura 'cross the prairies,
> > But I'm always up for something new.
> 
> The last line doesn't really fit in here. Especially the 'but'.
> 

I'd change the 'But' to an 'And' if you want to keep this thought.

> > And I know I'll never lose affection
> > For people in books I've read before
> > I know I'll often stop to read about them
> > In my books, I'll join them more.
> 
> "Join them more" is awkward. Perhaps "in my books, they'll live once more"?

I like that.

Overall, I do like the song, but then I'm irrationally enamoured of the
source tune as well.

Rob

-- 
Rob Wynne / The Autographed Cat / doc@america.net
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