[critique] Re: Revised Song: In My Books

[Martin Julian DeMello <mdemello@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Also sprach the Ginger Cat...
> In My Books
> (originally written last year sometime, revised today)
> Based on "In My Life" by John Lennon & Paul McCartney

IMHO it's still uncomfortably close to the original, especially since you
retain many of the rhyming words and entire constructions. 

> There are places I'll remember
> All my life though some have changed.
> Some will stay that way forever
> Some will grow, and some will change.

I'd definitely change the rhyme here.

> All these places have their moments
> With wonders and friends I still can recall,
> Some are real and some are fiction
> In my books, I've seen them all.

Here's where you can break away once and for all, noting that you *can*
return to a book in a far more immediate sense than you can return to a
memory. I'd drop the word 'recall', and rewrite the verse to reflect that
change.

> I have tessered with the witches,
> I have been afraid of Aslan too,
> I've followed Laura 'cross the prairies,
> But I'm always up for something new.

The last line doesn't really fit in here. Especially the 'but'.

> And I know I'll never lose affection
> For people in books I've read before
> I know I'll often stop to read about them
> In my books, I'll join them more.

"Join them more" is awkward. Perhaps "in my books, they'll live once more"?
Or "I can join them there once more"

> And I know I'll never lose affection
> For people in books I've read before
> I know I'll often stop to read about them
> In my books, I'll join them more.
> In my books, I'll join them more.

m.