[critique] Re: New Song: Ghosts

[Lee Gold <leeway@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Gwenzilla wrote:
> 
> Well, it's a southern snowstorm, which means it's really just a flurry. It's
> black asphalt pavement with swirly little non-sticking snow whirling around
> down there. We had a flurry near Atlanta recently that was like this, and it
> struck me. I thought the word 'flurries' would bring that idea home, but
> maybe I should have used stronger language?

The only time we see snow is when we visit Boston for Arisia or
Boskone.  Can you find room for an adjective somewhere to show 
that the pavement is dark?
> 
> If I used the word "from" there, I'd have a duplicate word in the next line.
> It may eventually turn out to be the best solution, although there is room
> in the song for the extra syllable there.

If the duplicate word has the same meaning, then it's a good thing
to use.  (If you ever get time, I suggest browsing through Fowler's
Modern English Usage:  in this case, the bit denouncing "elegant
variation.")
> All that sean nos
> training makes me see rhythm/scansion as something new every time I sing
> some songs. For that line, and for most lines I write that don't scan
> perfectly, imagine the extra syllables as a triplet [A-gainst-the] and see
> if they fit that way, then feel free to bludgeon away at me if something
> still isn't working for you.

Spoken poetry (and even more so, modern poetry which is often meant to
be read silently rather than spoken) have very different rules than
song lyrics.  And as I said, lyrics written for other people to sing
must meet higher standards than those you keep to yourselves.  
You have to decide at some point what you intend your song to be.

Milne wrote about his shock when he found out that a song may only 
have a phrase that makes the audience react emotionally, especially
laugh, at the end of a line, and better yet, only at the end of a
verse.

--Lee