[critique] Re: New Song: Ghosts

[Gwenzilla <wireharp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

On 2/14/01 9:18 AM, "Lee Gold" <leeway@mediaone.net> wrote:

> Gwenzilla wrote:
>> 
>> Ghosts (by Gwen)
>> 
>> Out on the highway, it's snowing tonight.
>> Flurries flicker by in the halogen lights.
>> Down on the street, against the pavement below,
> "Against" doesn't quite seem like the right word here,
> unless the phantoms are dark, silhouetted against the
> white, snowy pavement, which doesn't seem likely.
> "from the pavement below"?

Well, it's a southern snowstorm, which means it's really just a flurry. It's
black asphalt pavement with swirly little non-sticking snow whirling around
down there. We had a flurry near Atlanta recently that was like this, and it
struck me. I thought the word 'flurries' would bring that idea home, but
maybe I should have used stronger language?

If I used the word "from" there, I'd have a duplicate word in the next line.
It may eventually turn out to be the best solution, although there is room
in the song for the extra syllable there.

> 
> This line doesn't have the same number of syllables as
> the third line of the next verse.  You may need to
> regularize the pattern if you want other people to be
> able to sing it.  I suspect you're humoring it as you
> sing it.

*wink* Of course I'm humoring it, Lee. ;) I have a very strong sense of
humor, you know, and a tendency to channel Dar Williams if not properly
restrained. I don't know; I suppose my general struggling against tight,
hymnal-type scansion comes out of years spent in college poetry workshops
where rhyme and meter of any kind were considered passe. I got over most of
that indoctrination, but I still will sacrifice perfect scansion if it's
fighting against strong language. I also get in trouble for not necessarily
scanning the same song the same way every time I sing it. All that sean nos
training makes me see rhythm/scansion as something new every time I sing
some songs. For that line, and for most lines I write that don't scan
perfectly, imagine the extra syllables as a triplet [A-gainst-the] and see
if they fit that way, then feel free to bludgeon away at me if something
still isn't working for you.

I forget that, since not everybody sees the southern not-a-snowstorm every
year, that image might look funny to anybody who sees real weather (or has
ever seen it, for that matter). So now, despite the fact that I've argued
for my loose scansion, I'll try to find another word, anyway. ;)

Thanks for your thoughts-- I'll post another version when I change that
word.

Hugs,
Gwen
 

-- 
Gwen Knighton                                    wireharp@bellsouth.net
                       www.threeweirdsisters.com
_______________________________________________________________________
  I have news for you; The stag bells, winter snows, summer has gone.
  Wind high and cold, the sun low, short its course, the sea running
  high. Deep red the bracken, its shape is lost; the wild goose has
  raised its accustomed cry. Cold has seized the blackbirds' wings;
  Season of ice, this is my news. (Ireland, 9th century)
_______________________________________________________________________
                    -*Cyny Telyn* -- /Sing/ the harp-