[critique] Re: New Song: Yonder comes a Filker

["kyttn@xxxxxxxxxxx" <kyttn@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Lee Gold wrote:
>
> I wrote a new song just yesterday             past
> A brand new song, I'm gonna play              future
> The words are sweet, the tune is clear,       present
> and yet I share my song with fear             present
>
> Bhodran, doumbeck, 12-string and bassoon
> Yonder comes Phil Allcock, and he stole my tune   present / past
>
>I'm bothered by the inconsistent tenses.
>
>The original starts in the past with a contrasting chorus
>in the present which seems less confusing.  I wish you'd take
>that "Yonder comes Whozit and he's got my tune" and use it
>for the Phil Allcock version too.

Lee, thanks for the input!  Unfortunately life got in the way and
I've not been
able to respond before now.  The reasoning for putting "Phil Allcock,
and he 
stole my tune" was because I wanted it to reference Phil's song
"Thank you 
for the music, the songs I'm stealing" (the filk of ABBA's Thank You
for the 
Music).  I considered an alternate verse:

          I wrote a new song, just yesterday
          Went to a con, my song to play
          The words are sweet, the tune is clear
          And yet I shared my song with fear

Do you think that works any better?  

Also, we decided to add a final verse and edited chorus to show just
how much we worry about
parodies....:

     The finest form of flattery
     In filking is a parody
     It makes them laugh, it makes them look
     It brings your tune to more song books

     Bhodran, doumbeck, 12-string and bassoon
     Yonder comes a filker and he's got my tune
     And I've passed the test, achieved success,
     My song's just been parodied!


Maya (kyttn)